I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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