You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
