And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
