Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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