He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
