my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
