Already got asked if we're dating
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
