Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
