Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
