my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
