Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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