i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
