Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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