halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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