i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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