I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
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That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.