He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I could fuck to npr.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
