In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
