Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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