YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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