I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
