Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
