This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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