Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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