I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
