I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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