I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
