Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
