She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
