I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.