dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.