..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't put those talents on a resume
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
