conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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