was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
