What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
