i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
