$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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