just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
