you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
