I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
