I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
