I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
