I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
