My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
