I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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