My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
