Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
