it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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