So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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