i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
