Got a toothbrush?
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
