capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
