I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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