Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
