I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
