I faked an abortion last night.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
