The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize