Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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