Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
